You really wouldn’t believe the cheek of this chap.
“I don’t think this is working out.
I just need to do my own thing for a while.
Ooh, just looking at your DVD’s there, can I have a lend of Michael Collins? I haven’t seen it yet. I can give it back with the rest of your stuff. Cheers”
Oh yes that actually happened, and he got the video and she didn’t cry. I know what you are thinking. This guy is a hero. But I disagree at least to a degree.
He is not a looker and to be honest he has the bizzare ability to attract absolute lunatics. One girl he went out with was a butch lesbian (or bi as she claimed). In that relationship, no messing now, he was the woman. I remember walking back from the pub with them and she had slung her coat around him to keep him warm. What a bitch. I actually really liked her. Lads being lads of course.
Over the last few years he has been on the conveyor belt of women. He is one of those gits that always does the breaking up (in start contrast to me I might add). After his last escapade broke down, it being on life support from Christmas, he sat me down and went trough his little breaking-up routine. I found it cold but for your benefit I will share it with you.
Step 1. Be negative. About a week before breaking up, when she suggests something just go, “eh no – I’m eh busy and eh stuff”. This won’t go down well but it is important you send the signals out early. Some women will be all over you at this stage so for clingy bitches skip step one.
Step 2. Be incontactable. Spend about two days off the radar she will be getting a bit freaked out but it’s inevitable.
Step 3. Ring her and be nice. This is a bit of an art, you want to be nice but you have to jettison any cutesy language especially saying “I love you” or “miss you”. Ask her about her life and stuff, stress the differences between you two. The purpose of this is that she doesn’t hate you so try and talk to her in a new post-relationship way.
Step 4. Send her the “we need to talk” text. It is critical that you send it before lunch, so she has all of lunch to figure out you are breaking up with her.
Step 5. The break-up. Meet somewhere neutral and not somewhere you used to hang around together, somewhere uncomfortably new. Then just be straight up with her and avoid giving specific reasons, just general crap. Be aware most of your words will be read into so don’t mention anyone else, whatever you do. Oh and don’t leave a night between the text and the break-up it’s cruel.
A word to the wise, don’t get into this shit it’s bad fucking carma and you become a shitty person. The nuns used to tell girls not to be sluts because having sex with people is like sticking sello-tape to them. The more you have sex with people the less sticky the sello-tape becomes and when you find the right person you will have no stickyness left. Okay, that is complete bollocks but I can see something similar infecting this guys thinking. He used to get worked-up about women and actually get genuinely upset when things go wrong. Now he is so cavalier towards relationships and so cynical he recently came out with “I don’t believe in love”.
Which prompted an appropriate “Shut the fuck up” from me.
One ninety to town 
Ha ha! This actually made me laugh!
And yes, I have been on the receiving end of quite a few of those ‘break-up’ diamonds. It wasn’t pleasant and it wasn’t pretty.
But annoying the crap out of a bloke is a sweet revenge, thank fook for mobile phones, a few drunken ‘you’re a twat and shit in bed’ texts, makes a woman feel better, especially when drunk.
I feel a bit sorry for your mate, karma has it’s own unique way of sorting us out, and your friend will meet a woman and fall in love with her, despite what he thinks, and because karma’s an unpredictable little philosophy, she’ll break his lickle heart. I wonder if he will be so quick to recognise the ‘signals’ when he is on the receiving end.
(evil chuckle!)
And for the record, women do it too, so don’t be hard on him.
pee ess
I have just had a word with my pal cupid, and he is sharpening his arrows as I type!
wink!
xx
I kind of hope someone will come along that he is mad about but I cannot see it happening. If it does it will be well deserved. It would be enlightening for him at the very least.
Why break up in the first place. Don’t.
that man should write a book ! he’d make a fortune.
heyy
i know this is like almost a year ahead and everything but atleast he didnt send a email!!
that’s how some bastard dumped me, came back a year later saying he was a prick ( he still is ) and he still loves me!
but i aint going there got another prick now lol ( i love him really )
The best way to get your own back on some tit like that tell all of his old mates that he’s cheated on you with another lad and is still with him now. texts are just happening too often with me telling people he’s gay isss sooooooooooooo much more fun and it makes you feel better quicker!! =]
xxx